The eternal hunt for love...yes, we are all searching for that kind of love. Is love at an older age any different from that of a younger preson? At some point of time I was inclined to agree and even advocated that it was the same. When you get older, you realise it really isn't so. It has worked its way through to the recesses of your innermost self and at some point you realise it really isn't just a feeling. Love has a soul. It is an entity by itself, undying in its quality and emotion.We simply tend to look at it differently as time passes us by. It is a kind of faith, we look at it like a religion and that is where we go wrong because it is only then that we tend to take sides. Ever heard 'love is all sham', 'there is nothing called love', 'it is only lust'...? Oh well! All that is when we look at it as a kind of religion.
I made a promise to myself last year, early last year to be precise. That promise was to never ever settle for anything less than... Less than what, you might ask. I thought about that then and I clearly remember what I wanted in a relationship, in the man I would love. Sigh! Despite all odds (which seem to be so countless) I will never stop looking for someone who will complete me; someone strong enough and I mean emotional strength here. Lots of that. I know I want my man to care, pay attention, be there and love me to bits just the way I am. Oh! add trust and respect to it.
Is that a myth? No way! I do not believe so. You see, where everyone looks at love as a mere emotion I look at it as a soul. It is a Faith in itself. Love is my faith. That is why, while I have given up and moved on so much in life, I have, never given up on love itself.
So, last year, when the man in my life decided to leave and it was some late February morning I made a promise to myself, that I will not settle for anything less than that. It's a tall order, says a friend. So be it. I know my capacity to give. I also want someone with that capacity to give. A friend asked me a couple of weeks post February, to wear my heart on my sleeve. Well I did. It has been a struggle within myself to wonder and argue whether it is sane to do so or not.
Well! Wearing my heart on my sleeve has taught me one thing. It will filter everthing else in your life with clarity. It will take its time, hurt you, upset you, try to scrunch all kinds of miseries in your life...all with a purpose of preparing you for that one person who will be there, just like you, wearing their heart on their sleeve and watching out for another person who does the same.
I haven't written in a long time but the conversations in my head does not subside. So, when someone the other day wanted me to not think and relax, it became clearer to me that I cannot do that until I will know and be with that person who gives me that utter peace of being in one place and not going anywhere because I have no thoughts beyond that particular moment. No pretences. No trying to think up a way to keep the conversation going. Nothing but that bliss, surreal in its quality and essence.
You may laugh. Does that even exist? Yes, it does. I was there once. Just once. I should have died then. It would have been just the right thing because I know I was in a good place. You know, that moment when everything is just right, peaceful, joyous and fantastically wonderful. Yes, I have been there. I will thus, knowing that such a possibility exists, never settle for anything else. Hurt me as much, trample over my feelings as much, rip my emotions apart but I won't settle for anything else.
Yes, this is a different kind of love. This is the kinds you would want to look forward to, the kind that wants to make you grow old together, share priceless ethreal moments and live that bliss. I won't say there won't be fights (let's be realistic) and those times that make you frustrated but it will not be the highlight then of your life. It will be a love that is of a different kind. It will be a love of the kind that breathes life into your days...that fabulous feeling of being alive, hopeful and free.
So, having said that, I believe, so so believe what a friend told me two days ago...the forties is a liberating age. I say yes to it.
Bring it on!