I write so I can breathe. I am constantly evolving, mindless at times, frustrating even perhaps but heck, I wouldn't change the smell of freedom that comes with writing.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Point of Regret Being?

Priya - Thank you! You triggered this one :) 

Such a sordid somber word – regret! Priya, post your post in the Soul Studio, here is my post. Darn! Too many ‘post’ in this post. (Pun totally intended for want of anything better to begin with.

So, Priya posted this on the Soul Studio yesterday…was it yesterday? “Don’t waste your life by waiting to find out who you are but work passionately to become who you want to be.” Suman, Manisha and Kimberly gave it thumbs up and that was about the time I came upon the post. That got me thinking and I reflected on a lot of stuff I had read across the years about regrets. I keep wondering why people have regrets. I have made so many so called ‘mistakes’ in my life that I refuse to look at as anything but lessons. Perhaps, it is because of the endless encouraging forwards I get from so many people entwined in my life.

What is the point of regret anyways? I mean, did you not want that thing at some particular point of time in your life? Of course, you did! So, why look back and regret it? We all have the freedom to make choices. We all made our choices. Not making a choice, by the way, is also a choice. I hear a lot of people say, but I was forced to... No you were not. You forced yourself to make that call then and that was your choice.

We have one life to live, plenty to give, endless dreams to achieve and hey, there is just this one life to live. Each tiny minute, brings us closest to our biggest reality, to death. Whether we like it or not, that time and distance is shrinking. Make the most of what you have. Don’t worry too much about who did what and who said what. What is important is what you did with what you have. There are no right answers to life and there are no wrong answers. Everything is relative. One thing you need to survive in life is passion. If there isn’t any passion or a spark in you, you will pass all of this by without even realizing you are now old and haggard and wondering where time went. Why spend time on regrets when you can put it to better use to be who you want to be. Find that one thing in you that you want to light up and follow it. Be kind to yourself. I keep saying this like a mantra over and over again every time the disease of regret calls. It is my insulation.

I have just stepped out of a relationship. I am sad it is over but then, I know there was a time when I thought it would last forever. Don’t we all? However, at that point when I said that I am happy to be a part of your life, I really was. It doesn’t mean I have never had regrets in life…I used to. Now, it seems such a waste of time. It’s lonely now, but I'm okay with it. I have become contented in just where I am and what I am doing. It does not mean I have any fewer problems than the person next door or that someone else has any fewer problems in comparison to mine. It just means that I want a lot from life but I'm, despite the want, okay with what comes my way.

Maybe it is something I do not wish to waste my time on because my life isn’t over yet, not yet. Until the last breath, whenever that will be, I will still have the chance to be who I wish to be. What a marvelous gift that is! There is a reason why the time of our death isn’t ever known and we do not know when it will come knocking at our door. That reason is to allow ourselves to make the most of what we have and make it all better. Who wants to compete with the person next door? It used to be such a big deal. When I was growing up, it was all I heard. Not unusual. Most of us have been there and heard it. We all write and say what's on our minds and what's not. Memories are always like that, some good, some bad. We don’t chase them away. Best is to acknowledge its presence and get on with life. I don’t keep regrets otherwise my pile and burden would be too much to carry.

Each time I lose something, I learn a lesson. My biggest lesson has been to accept the fact that I am not like everyone else. In fact, I do not ever wish to be anyone else or like them. I like me. I don’t hate myself. I am my own competition. When I meet someone like me, I am delighted. It is those rare bunch of people who make me smile from my soul because I know that we can agree to disagree and still be friends. I love you all! Each one of you. You are all a reason why I have no regrets. I am digressing! (as usual).

And yea…this really is something I know. Been there. Done that. Take it a day at a time. Be there for yourself, be there for others as well. Be there most of all for those who never mention they need you because they need you the most and that is one thing you never want to look back and say …I wish! Damn I am digressing. End of post. No regrets about digressing either.

Whatever meaningful you want in life and whatever you want to make of it, may it come to you! 
- Copyright@Sandy 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Awesomeness Magic and Wonder - Life

If you aren’t moving, you are as good as dead. Do not confuse this with moving on. What I mean is, each day, life does teach you something new. Embrace it. Embrace it like you embrace a new friend you make. Now, if you haven’t made new friends, you aren’t moving. A number of times I am told how can you have so many friends online that you have never met? I grin. Mostly I say, “You can do that too.” I am not an extrovert by nature…or am I? Hell, I don’t know. I just know that it doesn’t matter whether I have met them or not met them. Friends are friends. There is always this nagging doubt about…what if? What if the person you have embraced as a friend without even meeting turns out to be a fraud, someone who was fooling you? I understand that. There is always a fear. Tough luck buddy! My point is do you give up?

Life has this awesomeness and sense of wonder about it. There are days which really feel you are half way stuck in a swamp, being dragged down with your problems. Truth is, everyone has problems. A friend told me yesterday; if it gets too much, just put it on pause. Deal with it when you are ready. Nobody can make you do something you do not want to. It is okay to be hurt, it is okay to be confused, it is okay to have self-doubt. But, it is not okay to pull yourself to the ground. Wise heah! Yup! And I love you so much!

So, there has been stuff going on inside my head. I am learning each day to stay afloat. Sometimes I swim upstream, tired, my arms screaming for rest. I push myself. When it all comes to a level of calm, I float. When it is smooth, sometimes you glide. Life is like that. You have to ride it the way it is and make the most out of it. The wonder of it all never ceases. When we were children, everything had an air of magic to it. There was a sense of wonder. Do you remember how you felt when you saw a firefly for the first time? Do you remember how you felt when the rainbow swung across the horizon? Do you remember the delight of catching a tadpole and believing it was fish? Do you recall the first feel of snow on the tip of your nose? Hailstorms that suddenly made you wonder how ice could fall instead of rain.

Whatever happened? I know what happened. We grew older. Education and passed down opinions taught us to be afraid, lose our sense of wonder, faded the magic right out of our lives. We are a cynical lot. I am. I know I am. I am also my biggest critic. I am a loony when it comes to holding conversations with me. What do you do if your thoughts are with you as a constant companion?

The beauty of Life is that each day it teaches you something new. The awesomeness of it all is, you have the opportunity to change the way you think with every added thought, every single conversation, every line read. The choice is yours. I would like to never believe what I said yesterday will hold its ground tomorrow. How can it? What happens if I learn something new today? How can I hold what I believed yesterday and be rigid about it? Does that make me indecisive? Honestly, if people think it makes me indecisive, that is their problem. I know where I am coming from. I may not have a clue where I am going but I refuse to give up on the awesomeness of life.

Oh, and yes, I do know, my friends, in person and virtual really are my most amazing support system. I love you all!

Go, enjoy today’s awesomeness. Today will pass and you will want to remember the magic and wonder of it all. If you cannot find magic and wonder in it, make it magical, wonderful and let someone else believe how awesome it is.

BE the CHANGE!



Copyright @Sandy 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hint of Spook

“I think my house is haunted.” Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. She looked visibly shaken, her face ashen, fingers gripping each other in a fist, nerves standing out.

“What makes you think so?” he asked.

“Last night…” she could not go on. It was the same as last night. The same terror gripped at her throat, steadfast and sure.

The Impatiens

I

The breeze is stronger now; autumn leaves fly, tiny pink flowers roll off and down the barnacled steps into the water. One such golden one nudges my shoulder and falls to the ground. I remembered never allowing a single one that touched me ever fall to the ground. I always collected them and they found their way into books, pressed in pages. For good luck. That was a long time ago. I was in school, younger, simpler in my beliefs and faith.

I have so many thoughts bursting out of my mind that I have to just get it out of my mind. So many things fill over. The noise inside my head remains louder than the clamour of the waves crashing onto the rocks that fringe the entire span of the walkway. It is silly, funny really just how much of difference a mere phone call can make. I am too afraid to think about it. There isn’t a word that can logically come close to how it really can be described. It is as if a fragile piece of some shapeless thing needs to be protected and kept under hold, nothing to be said, as if, it will shatter beyond control.

All I know is that whatever is there, it is so precious that I don’t want to lose it.

I look up. And there he is, standing, his lop-sided grin and his twinkling sure eyes staring back at me, his head at an angle. He looks kind of funny with a halo of those pink flowers behind his head, a golden leaf balancing and struggling to maintain a seat on his head. It flies away, the way time has.

“Come, sit.” I beckon him beside me. He sits and takes my hand in his.

He sits as the sun lights his hair in streaks of brown and copper. The rays play up the lines on his face, tiny meandering streams of laughter, crinkled eyes that bespeak wisdom, a hint of ravages of time and glitter of a sense of life.

“Priya,” he is solemn.

I can feel the pit of my stomach turning over. A rush of blood warms my cheeks and I wonder if he knows. A part of me wants him to know and a part of me wonders where it will take me. A million electric sparks have rushed through and I wait.

He sighs. I sigh. Twenty long years it has been.

“I wonder about things, this life actually.” I say, gazing at the sea and turning to look at him. I find his eyes and they stay. “ I won’t say this life has been a waste…”

He waits for me to continue.

My eyes well up, “…we did what we thought was right but would that be a waste in comparison to what we could have had together?”

He sits there, silent for a moment and finally draws me in a bear hug. It amazes me how much of a comfort it can still be…after all these years.

“I guess,” he mumbles into my hair. I can hear the pain in his voice, “we wait another lifetime for that. When I get you there, I’ll never let you go.”

II

It was a journey that had started not that evening when we met once again. It was a journey that had brought us together after years of having spent our life going through our separate ways, fulfilling our duties as children, parents, spouses, as everything but what we meant to each other.

III

Home is not a place. Home is a person. Even for a few hours,  it felt good to be home.

Copyright Sandy@2001