I write so I can breathe. I am constantly evolving, mindless at times, frustrating even perhaps but heck, I wouldn't change the smell of freedom that comes with writing.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

What Men Wished Women Knew

In further conversation and a lot of reaction from men over my last post, here is what they communicated that they felt I had left out. Apparently, the ones who look at romance and dating as posted earlier was just a tiny part of the whole man-picture. I was told, you can't win a man unless you get all of him. But of course! So ladies, gear up, for, even as they get older, there are a few things men wish the women knew and understood. I don't know how much this is going to help but hey, I have to share. These are universal truths apparently. Yes, yes, the women ones will also show up. Here is what a man has to say...

Please communicate. Do not assume I know the interpretation of every mono-syllable you utter. 'Nice', 'nothing', 'how can you not understand' are open to a lot of interpretation and I get it all wrong apparently. It always seems you meant something else. Well, just say it. It saves us a lot of unnecessary arguments and dealing with the silent treatment thereafter. 

If you are interested in me, don't follow the advise of magazines and your friends and play hard to get. I like to know you are interested in me. Don't you like to know that I am interested in you? Hard to get can get interpreted as not interested. Simple as that. 

I like my space and time with my guy and girl friends. Much as I adjust to your world because I have now become a part of it, adjust to mine. My friends are as important to me as yours are to you. If I ask you out to meet my friends, it is a step in the positive direction and not the other way around. As much as you cannot stand my friends sometimes, I cannot stand yours either. That's okay. Remember, bitching about them with me isn't getting you brownie points. It is only giving me reasons why not to date you or be with you. Also, my girl friends are not out to steal me away from you. They are protective about me and that is okay. You would be just as pissed if I asked you to stop meeting your guy friends. It however does not stop me from being jealous. Contradiction here? Yes. That is who I am. 

Do not nag. If I am late and I've screwed up and I have said sorry, accept it with grace. You can tell me I messed up. Just once. I get it. I do not wish to date a nag. Repeating something over and over again only turns me off and makes me wish I didn't make an effort to be with you and was hanging out and chilling with my friends instead. 

I like to see you look stunning. It does not mean you have to cake yourself with layers of make-up. You look beautiful without it. The loveliest you look is in the morning when you have no make-up on and my heart tugs when I see you like that - without make up. Don't be afraid to be with me without make up. Yes, if we are off to a party someplace special, look special but don't over do it. Also, make up doesn't taste good. You do. 

My TV time is important. It helps me unwind. When I reach for that remote the minute I am back home, it simply means I want to unwind and feel at home. This is my way of unwinding. Yes, I also like to watch the games including the repeats. If you are seeking my attention while that is going on, being nice and lovable works better than being rude and naggy. It is nicer if you choose to spend that time sitting next to me cuddling up. Remember, I like watching TV. I like you better. You give some leeway and you get a lot more. 

I also like to be hugged. I like the feel of your hands in mine. It doesn't always have to lead to sex. Oh, I do like for it to lead to sex. If you do, its okay. Really. 

Try not to get annoyed over silly pointless things. It makes me wonder if you are stupid. Let me never question your intellect. It also makes me tell you silly lies I could avoid telling. What I really am avoiding here is you getting annoyed over silly pointless things.

I will call a number of times during the day or not at all. If I do, it means I am thinking about you and would like to know where you are and if you are alright. This is not nagging. If I do not call during the day, it is because I am busy and this does not mean I am seeing someone else. However, if you have been a nag lately, I am either chilling witth my guy friends playing pool or watching a game or having a beer or hanging out with one of my girl friends wondering if I did the right thing by dating you. The first advise from my girl friend is not about dumping you. They prefer to listen which you have not been doing. 

Please be on time. If I show up late and that becomes a reason for you to be upset, please know taking hours to get dressed is not cool. If I am impatient and you are getting us late, I will ask you if you need help. Know then that you are late and you need to simply get it over and done with. Asking me what to wear isn't working all the time. I respect your ability to dress well. If it doesn't look good, I will ask you 'What's this outfit?' Hurry. Change. Get out. I like to show you off. Yes. Dress that way. It doesn't mean you don't understand what to wear and when. Meeting my parents is not the same as going out on our own. Respect sensibilities. 

Oh well...the list is as endless as the women's list I am told. There is more...but that's later when I get more feedback. Until then...have fun, live each day as if it were your last. Appreciate the man in your life and if you haven't got one yet, this should pretty much give you an idea of what they wish for...a bit of it at least.



What MEN Want

Over the years, I have had a great bunch of guy friends and girl friends who come and tell me how they feel about things, what they really want out of their woman or man. It doesn't make me an expert in managing my own relationships of course. Why? Oh well! Because, every person is different. All my life I have always always been asked by flabbergasted male friends..."Damn! I am really frustrated. Nothing I do is right. What is it that women really want? Beats me man!"

So, let's shift gears and move over to the question...what is it that men want? Yes, women. As much as we want men to automatically understand and know what we want, the men too feel the same. Right. This is the same planet we live in. So, I thought I'd get back to a few of my guy friends and check with them what is it that really puts them off. 

Women who want a guy out of desperation and not because they want want them is a turn off. A man likes to know he is wanted and desired as much as a woman does. It would do well to communicate. It takes a bit of courage but a man admires straight-forward honesty from women on that count. Tell the man you need him and want him as well. Socked the daylights out of you eh? Yup, it's true. As much as we would like to presume otherwise, men do need to spend time with you and they appreciate it as much when you tell them that you want to spend time with them. 

One really frustrated one said to me, heck Sandy, I can't stand the manipulation. I can't stand the unnecessary whose fault it is constant nag that happens. Why can't they get over a point? Apologies said, why cannot they move on? So I ask...What do you mean by manipulation? I needed to understand that better. I had a faint idea but it's better to ask than assume. So, I discovered, they hate to be pushed, with or without tears, cannot stand sentimental statements to take the relationship forward at a pace quicker. As much as women take their time, men want to take their time as well. The pushy men...oh well...exceptions are not who I talk about. Men just don't wanted to be nudged to take a relationship forward unless they are ready. Come to think of it, we, women, don't either. So, while we understand our pace and demand it and get it mostly, men too would like that same space and consideration. Is that so hard? Ummm...to each his own pace...or her.

Appreciate. Men like to be appreciated and acknowledged as much as women do. So, when a man gives you a compliment and you preeen and smile and skip a heartbeat or two and think about it way into the depth of the night, give the man something to think and smile about as well. As simple as that. Only, be genuine. Mean it. What is fake is very visible, no matter how well you try to cover it...it is far more obvious than you think it is. Acknowledge each other.

Taking a lesson from Gung Ho, if you want a relationship to work and be successful, give it the importance and attention it deserves...and watch it go places! 

Not over yet...more later on what men want...


Love - Lessons from Life

The things we learn about love in life are endless. They seem unimportant until something happens to give the lesson due importance at a later stage in life or a second here and there from now. Who knows what? Who knows when? Who knows? Like they say, between the cup and the lip resides sometimes an entire lifetime or a split second.

It is possible to separate from the person you truly deeply love and still remain connected forever, that too, not by making an effort at trying to forget but by acknowledging that such love and depth of feelings do exist for the person concerned. Then, no matter where you go, you never stop loving. It will hurt, it will feel lonesome but it will bring a smile to your face as well.

A friend can turn into someone you love very much but to turn a lover into a friend never happens. It is utter stupidity. There is no reverse gear. Either it will be the friendship, romance, love, companionship of a lifetime or it will die. Those who believe there is a road back to simply friendship have got to be kidding themselves. It is a treacherous road and few survive. Plenty of grief there as well.

In matters of love it works out best when you give your all and not want anything in return. The grief is not there then. It is just an inner peace that comes with the realisation that you have the right to fall in love with someone but no right is ever given to you to expect the person to love you as much and in the same manner. I have been learning this all my life. If you master it, tell me and I will learn from you.

Breaking up always hurts. It’s something you have to snap out of. There is no weaning out really. You are either in or out. Subsequent to a break-up, you really discover the spiteful side of a person by the way you behave with the person you have broken up with. You also discover whether you are just as spiteful or not.

Love does mean having to say sorry, except, when you say so, mean it or don't say it at all. Love also means saying thank you. It does not mean you need to use just your vocal chords to do so. Use your heart! Yes, people do say there is no ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’ in love and friendship. Yes. Trust me and don’t take such precious relationships for granted. There is a secure fact that you can take the person for granted. While that is a given, don’t abuse it.

Love has reason for making you do things that your mind will never begin to understand. Because, when you do something for the one you love, it is never an obligation. It is more of a wanting to do it and share the happiness it can bring to the other. It never is a second thought. Love can make you do things you have never imagined possible. These can be the stupidest of things and the most courageous of things...It eventually all boils down to wisdom of love or the lack of it.

Why am I talking about love...? Well, we all have theories about love...the above are what I have absorbed. My conformity to what has just been written may or may not be there and I do not choose to argue my own points or contradict. Every passing minute or second gives us an opportunity to re-write what we have written before, unlearn the learning and learn again. The lessons you learn are not the end all and be all of life...it is what IS that matter. Always!!


What Does NOT Work?

Eating gooey chocolate fudge and sipping on some fabulous coffee can be really invigorating. I smiled as I scribbled on my notepad last afternoon. I also realized that this blog and post will eventually need a guy’s perspective on the stuff I write…I wonder if guys would share their thoughts or will someone be fun enough to come up with another blog that tells us what the men are thinking...

It doesn’t make me a pro-woman kind of a person all the time. I love my guys. I am simply an avenue of expression, observation, brainstorms and thoughts. Mostly thoughts.

So, these questions keep coming up in conversations that make me wonder whether we really are planets apart. You know, the Men are from Mars and Women from Venus thing; truth, we are all on planet Earth and hey, live with it. There is no perfect manual for getting hitched but there are a few things that make sense. If you are at a singles party to forge a relationship eventually, hang out with people, drink and share a conversations but hey guys, stay off the football on TV. You might just as well have stayed put at home.

Remember, you will meet tons of people and it takes ages sometimes to really find someone worth it. Do not pressurise yourself into being hurt and angry and envious. Indulge yourself in the fun part of life and it is as infectious as can be. There is humour in life. Remember, most of us are just recovering from having our hearts broken and are in the process of healing. Healing takes time. It is good to laugh. Take it a day at a time, a step at a time. There is chemistry sometimes but there is no perfect equation or formula.

Don’t compare the man you meet with your ex. He is not the same person. Remember, there is a reason why he is an ex. Don’t fall for that sweet talk. Most of it is bull. Every man makes mistakes (like every woman). Nobody is perfect. In contradiction, if he has messed up and he admits he is wrong and fights for you to have you back, he is worth giving another chance. Just, make sure he doesn’t have a wife/mistress stashed away somewhere. If you notice, there are two contradictory statements here. That is how life is; a deliberate paradox. Sort out the chaff.

It is okay to get jealous when a man talks to another woman but please, do not freak out. Subtle difference. Terrible results. Instead, talk to the man. Be interested in what the person does and actually learn something about it. It is not a textbook mantra but it helps. Tell the man how you feel. Men don’t pick up on hints. Aha! Neither do women. Sometimes you simply have to state things. The unstated, nevertheless, has its own charm.

There are times when a man does not have energy to speak or listen. It doesn’t mean they don’t care; it’s just not the right time. (Do call back though guys. The woman waits) Flipping that television remote isn’t really going in your favour.

There are tons of thoughts that nudge and question. Do men like a woman to flirt with them? Flirting and romance is such a fine art; subtle, deliberate, whimsical, teasing. When does one stop flirting and get serious? Yes, women like a man to flirt with them, with subtlety. Remember the word ‘subtle’. Women, men like women to flirt as well. It is a given.

Then again, who am I to mark out rules for anyone? I am the mouthpiece however, for a lot of women. (I'd like the men to share their point of view because that would help even out stuff at both ends) So, there is some substance in what I am saying. If you have asked a woman out on a date, don’t expect or accept that she shells out and shares. It is not done. You may ask me why. That is because if you have asked a woman out, it indicates you are interested enough in asking her out to get to know her better (correct me if this is a wrong thing to assume). If a man in interested enough in wanting to know a woman and has asked her out, you should want to spend on her. Also, just to let you know, it is not always an expensive date that works out. Paying attention and giving that moment importance is what works.

Remember, there is beauty in imperfection, a streak of madness in genius and the most amazing extraordinary in the ordinary. Life is short. Be ridiculous if you will. That will get you out there further than being boring will (for women read ‘complaining and boring’)

I am off. To hide. I can see the brickbats!


Dare to Go Out Again

Oh yeah! Right!

For a person who barely had someone woo her in the old fashioned manner ever, it was like taking a plunge into I-have-no-clue-but-what-the-hell waters. Do people know how to date anymore? Is the same rule still applicable as was before? Err...what rules? So, yes, I had no clue and I decided to be brave enough to venture into dating again for a start. For a start, because, I haven't dated in decades. Yes, right. As unbelievable as it is, all my life, I have been more like a buddy to my guy friends and not really a date date. There is a difference. YES! Big Difference!

So, walking into a room full of singles can be pretty daunting. One says there is no pressure but I realized its pressure of a different kind. You know you have walked into a room full of strangers. You know you are suddenly out there, in the open...literally. You also know that every single person in the room has the same thing (err...) going through their minds...Oh my Gawd! They are all here because they are single, they are all looking for someone and they know I am looking for someone. An ICSE Exam suddenly felt like a cake walk in front of this.

What works and what doesn't and how does one know? Eventually, a party is just a small gathering that kind of assists you into getting to meet someone who will give you that look and all you will get is goose bumps. Hah! You gotta wait for that one. Trust me, it doesn't happen quite like that. When you are in college, it might be a way...when you are older, you have a larger scope of awareness, you have your own prejudices to nurse and let go of and then be open to wearing your heart out on a sleeve again.

My subsequent posts may have the insights gathered through the experience of attending several fun parties and hanging out with like-minded people but there is a basic fundamental process to this whole thing about whether it has worked or not. I believe that any encounter with the opposite gender and the same (why should I be biased towards hetrosexuals alone?) moves further when one considers what one comes away with from an encounter or a conversation. (If I use the word 'encounter, please do not assume it is in militant terms of being totally killed by a look.)

BIRDS. Something I learned from my mentor (not just for dating) but for any relationship, be it business or otherwise (however I am using it in the context of meeting someone and its impact, especially on dating and starting your life over), is that, every meeting with a person has some kind of resultant reaction to it. We are such a prejudiced lot anyways...it has to happen. And no guys, BIRDS does not mean chicks. BIRDS is what an encounter with a person leaves you with.

B - Breakthroughs.

At some point, if the meeting or conversation has taken place, one should find some kind of a breakthrough. Your head (or heart) should say, hey...now thats the thing!

I - Ideas

If you have had a conversation, it should be able to trigger off ideas in your head. They may not be remotely connected to the conversation but it has worked as a trigger.

R - Remembrance/ Reminders

Some conversations are great reminders. You remember something or are reminded of something you already know but had forgotten and has been refreshed by the conversations. How cool is that! It may eventually end up with the person being taken up or put off...oh well, you have to take the chance. Life's pretty much stagnant otherwise.

D - Decisions

There are sometimes decisions taken based on a meeting, a chance passing by hello or a conversation. How powerfully true is that! You will decide whether you want to meet again...or not. OUCH!

S - Sort it out

Sort it out...sort out that mad chaos in your head. Yes dahlings, there are so many things going on, but sort it out. Figure out the important stuff and criminally kill the not-so-important ones. How does it matter? If you just stepped into dating again, remember...everyone is on the same boat. It may look like a yacht to you or a small battered canoe...everyone is floating...sometimes with a compass and sometimes without.

Remember, above all, laugh, even at some cheap thrills...eventually, there is just one life and dating again can be fun. It is your choice. Make it work for you. And hey...let me know what your thoughts are.

The madness is there...as I read somewhere this morning...now, where is the method?


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Chak Chak Ariel ki Logic

(Thanks Darryl for the outlines...they made me think beyond)

Kick start your day!

Make compromise with your past so that it doesn't spoil your present.

What others think about you is none of your business. If they have a problem with you, it is their problem, not yours. If you have a problem with someone, it is your problem...look to that as a challenge not as a point of despair.

Time heals almost everything. Give some time to time. Remember 'almost'. It means, some of the pain you have will stay and linger on. It stays not to really hurt you but to help you recognise when someone else is hurting. How else will you know? Those who hurt the most, seldom speak about it.

Don't compare your life with others. You have no idea what their future is all about. You are the one single sample piece of yourself. Be an original.

Stop thinking too much. It is alright not to know everything. Either ways, life is all about heart. Never let the mind's bitterness mess with the positivity of love.

Smile! You don't own all the problems in the world. Owning all the problems, on the other hand, also means you are rich because of all the challenges. Challenges always grow you as a human being. Heart. Not mind. Remember.

Most important! After all the chak chak Ariel logic, never forget to iron out your day to look super cool. Live today as if it were your last. Imagine the possibilities.

Got to stop here...anything more than this today would be an over dose!

Copyright @Sandy 2012